Thursday, 24 January 2013

Adonis



Adonis is
This ache that echoes through the entirety of my being
This shadow of yesterday’s debris
An incessant dark cloud that hovers above my mortal self

Adonis tells;
Tells me to be selfless,
Selfless and selfish to my sentiment
Demands that I be selfish

Adonis, why do you hit my with your stare?
Pound me on my tender bosom with your masculinity.
Why do you allow my guts to churn for you?
What divinity has sanctified you with this aptitude?

A peacock in species,
A supreme man.
Lay me down before I falter to your desires.
Catch me with your suave manliness

Like a shadow lurking unseen in the dark,
He withdraws.
Withdrawn as I yearn for him
But when the light strikes his silhouette,
As the hens begin to coo in their cages,
He mounts the mare.

Adonis, a prosaic romantic,
Dare he ask me to be selfless,
Selfless with my being.
Adonis, how can I?
Adonis, how can I,
Refuse?

Monday, 14 January 2013

A lethal dose of Oxygen

I drank you down like a vitamin,
Like you were good for me.
Calcium, Sodium, Oxygen.
A supplement.
You were a vitamin,
Vital to my survival.
Took down the pill,
With vodka on the rocks
Straight death.
Lack of vitamins,
Suicidal cat on its 8th life.
Do you know you're killing me?
It feels like drowning in fresh oxygen
Slowly dying.
Breathe in, breathe out,
Living death.

Your hands are around my neck.
Your brown eyes and pinks lips,
They smile at me.
Smiling in pristine glory.
Leisurely, I drink you like a vitamin,
Breathe you in like oxygen.
Breathing in death.
Don't let me go,
At least you're touching me.
Keep touching me.
The fervour radiating through your hands,
A sensual death.
Keep touching me.
Clasp me in the entirety of your love,
Or hate.
Let me keep breathing you.
Oh, my lethal dose of Oxygen.

Taking in my vitamins,
A kind of suicidal happiness.
Keep touching me,
Hands around my neck.
Kill me with your life,
Lethal dose of oxygen. 

Sunday, 13 January 2013

Suicidal Strangulation

I look around myself,
A place so unfamiliar.
I look outside myself,
It feels so unfamiliar.
The dark evades my space,
Strangles me.
Not a breathe
The uncertainty throttles me
The anguish suffocates me.
Self-torturous, it seems.
"You bitch," I'm yelling at myself.
Hand around my own neck.
No salvation for me now.

Thursday, 3 January 2013

I'm just getting started on Happiness

Music had always been a source of many of my tears, because it was only once I turned on my music, behind the confines of my olive green bedroom walls, that I was able to explore the feelings of loneliness and distress that would dig out my insides and leave my guts wrenched in knots of uncomfortable anguish.

Tonight, as per usual, I decided to soothe my soul with the sound of Paramore's sweet clamour, and here I find myself wiping tears off my cheeks once more.

It is not the lyrics of the tune, 'Misguided Ghosts', that have me sobbing, or atleast I do not think it is. I have been seated here, oblivious to what I was hearing, but more concentrated on the way the sound of the drums and the strum of the guitar heave my stomach from it's comfortable internal placing. I figure I am not the only one who has experienced this feeling. The closest thing I can compare it to is what we refer to as 'butterflies in one's tummy', yet, it is not exactly accurate.

Irregardless of my inability to convey the exact feeling I am currently experiencing in my gut, I reckon I am still able to describe every other emotion I am experiencing right at this moment. Apart from the uncontrollable tears, there is a widespread smile reaching across my face. Crying faces are rarely the prettiest and this half smile, half frown isn't making it any prettier, but I am grateful that I am in this moment. I had felt as though I had forgotten what it feels like to be completely happy and completely content. I feel as though I have forgotten what it feels like to know that you are secure, surrounded and loved. I feel as though I have forgotten some of the basic necessities of an average life.

I then questioned where my happiness had gone. Had it sincerely abandoned me, or had I been putting it on the back burner? The question can't seem to find itself an answer, and I most certainly couldn't care too much for dwelling on what had went wrong within myself.

I feel like things are looking up. FINALLY. I had come to the conclusion that I'd never see full happiness again or feel content with the life I was living and the people in it. I feel like I have let go of so many things and the hunch that was growing on my back from all the extra weight has been lifted, and my airways have been restored. I can breathe. The feeling is scary, unfamiliar and for a moment, I was taken a back. What the hell is this feelings?

In the words of Paramore, "It's not a dream anymore, it's worth fighting for". Attaining happiness is not a dream anymore, because I have it and I plan on fighting to keep it around. More than anything, I feel beyond blessed. I feel beyond loved and beyond lucky.

From here on out, it's all love and happiness; and it's only just getting started.