Music had always been a source of many of my tears, because it was only once I turned on my music, behind the confines of my olive green bedroom walls, that I was able to explore the feelings of loneliness and distress that would dig out my insides and leave my guts wrenched in knots of uncomfortable anguish.
Tonight, as per usual, I decided to soothe my soul with the sound of Paramore's sweet clamour, and here I find myself wiping tears off my cheeks once more.
It is not the lyrics of the tune, 'Misguided Ghosts', that have me sobbing, or atleast I do not think it is. I have been seated here, oblivious to what I was hearing, but more concentrated on the way the sound of the drums and the strum of the guitar heave my stomach from it's comfortable internal placing. I figure I am not the only one who has experienced this feeling. The closest thing I can compare it to is what we refer to as 'butterflies in one's tummy', yet, it is not exactly accurate.
Irregardless of my inability to convey the exact feeling I am currently experiencing in my gut, I reckon I am still able to describe every other emotion I am experiencing right at this moment. Apart from the uncontrollable tears, there is a widespread smile reaching across my face. Crying faces are rarely the prettiest and this half smile, half frown isn't making it any prettier, but I am grateful that I am in this moment. I had felt as though I had forgotten what it feels like to be completely happy and completely content. I feel as though I have forgotten what it feels like to know that you are secure, surrounded and loved. I feel as though I have forgotten some of the basic necessities of an average life.
I then questioned where my happiness had gone. Had it sincerely abandoned me, or had I been putting it on the back burner? The question can't seem to find itself an answer, and I most certainly couldn't care too much for dwelling on what had went wrong within myself.
I feel like things are looking up. FINALLY. I had come to the conclusion that I'd never see full happiness again or feel content with the life I was living and the people in it. I feel like I have let go of so many things and the hunch that was growing on my back from all the extra weight has been lifted, and my airways have been restored. I can breathe. The feeling is scary, unfamiliar and for a moment, I was taken a back. What the hell is this feelings?
In the words of Paramore, "It's not a dream anymore, it's worth fighting for". Attaining happiness is not a dream anymore, because I have it and I plan on fighting to keep it around. More than anything, I feel beyond blessed. I feel beyond loved and beyond lucky.
From here on out, it's all love and happiness; and it's only just getting started.