It's a very difficult challenge to try to understand oneself and one's own mind. It's a difficult thing to do because you question so much about yourself but are short of answers. It's a difficult thing because within moments you start perceiving yourself differently and in those moments of vulnerability all your "inadequacies" come to life.
I've come to understand this only because of the cycles my life takes. One day I find myself being so positive and ambient with an incredible zest for life. I look out of my window and despite the bland white color that covers the earth of my current location, I can see and smell the purple Jacarandas at home, blooming between the golden ambiance of Windhoek's glorious sunset. Despite the dull surrounding me, there is happy within me and my whole being exudes that. My face smiles, the corners of my eyes turn in just a little more than they usually would and my body is encapsulated by this golden aura.
However, just as quickly as the sun comes to set in the early afternoon and the moon makes the most of it's time, my sunny disposition sets. It doesn't take too much to trigger it, but this state takes so much away from me. Suddenly my smile is faded and everything around me seems so inexplicably bland. The skies and waters lose their bright shade of blue and the sweet smell of my lotion becomes stale. My mouth curves downwards setting a permanent frown on my face, and tears stream down from the corners of my eyeS the second I attempt to smile.
It's a phenomenon I've tried to fight time and time again as it occurs relatively often. Life is such a beautiful thing when the lenses I see it through are as happy as my insides feel. However, when bad energy finds it's path to me, everything I've worked so hard to build comes crumbling down. The things I used to love don't seem half as glorious any more, the little joys of life are far too insignificant, and the laughter of those I love is almost nauseating.
I just completely fail to understand why life hands me a red card every time I find a ray of sunshine on which to walk. I just question why the universe decides to kick me off my cloud once I find my peace. Perhaps I am blaming the wrong forces for all the wrong-doing I believe I've been dealt, but in my current state of mind I am unable to see who else could be behind it.
Life is a beautiful thing and 8 out of 10 times I appreciate it for that. I love walking outside and smelling all the sweet aromas of the small town I live in, I love having the sun eat through my sweaters and tickle my skin on the rare occasions that it decides to make an appearance. Even when it's below zero out and the wind bites my cheeks the second I open the door, I smile because every little sensation is a reminder that I am still alive, I am still living and that I am headed somewhere, be it the dining hall, the bakery for a bagel or a white-on-white office at Harper's headquarters; I am headed somewhere to do something and there is so much happiness in that for me.
It's difficult accepting that you are in this funk and it is even more difficult to try to get out of it. It's like a trap, easy to fall into and hard to get out of. However, instead of moping around and accepting the current situation for what it is, I reckon I ought to try to get myself out of this rut before it is, once again, too late. Sometimes all it takes is a moment, a moment in which you have silence, space and yourself and the room to put it all into perspective. To make this time, you might have to forgo a few things, but don't let that bring you down. Whatever you've missed can be made up for, losing your sanity and your happy, that really can't. The glory in our lives is permanently there, we just need to seek it out. We need to take the time to seek it out so we know where to go when the universe throws us a foul ball.
It's a very difficult challenge to try to understand oneself and one's own mind; so don't delve into it too deep. Take every moment as it comes and live in YOUR best interest. Be the kind of person that exudes enough happy for everyone around you.
All you need to do is BELIEVE. BREATHE. BE.