Monday, 31 December 2012

Year in, Year out.

Once again, we're seeing the closing of another year on this here New Years Eve. It's time for those resolutions we never live up to, hanging out with people we potentially want to murder, in the same old place.

So, I find myself here again. Swakopmund. So essentially, what has changed this year? A year later and I'm still in the same place. Last year, I thought I had found something beyond amazing here, only to see it fall apart.

2012 has been the furthest thing from a good year. Suffering deaths, heart ache, emotional instability and self discovery. This year has been a whirlwind of confusion and turmoil. However, I have perhaps learned more about myself in this one year then I have over the course of my entire life. I've discovered my weaknesses and my strengths and I've been able to accept myself for who and what I am. I went through lessons that opened my eyes to the bullshit that was happening around me: the people who were only in my life to see my falter and those who were there to help me grow.

Any year has it's ups and downs and essentially, these are important in ones mission of personal discovery.

To summarize:
1. I lost someone I thought was a friend. I did, however, learn that it was for the best. Self destructive and on her own quest to discover herself, our paths weren't meant to intertwine at this point in our lives.

2. A rift grew between a boy I thought was my soul mate. Soul mate in the sense that he understood me and my reasoning. In as much heartbreak as it caused, it made me realize that I do deserve better. I deserve people in my life that appreciate and accept me as I am.

3. Those two instance made me realize the value of my childhood bestfriends Nash and Niina, and the significance of them in my life. Friends like these are hard to come by, but what comes easy goes easy and I'm glad to say they aren't the type to dispose of me when the going gets a little tough.

4. I have found a long lost sister in another childhood friend. A girl I've known since we were wet behind the ears 8-year olds. She has grown into an elegant figure of a woman, and has played the leading sister role in my life over the last year. A girl I can run to at any hour of the day and someone I find comfort in (because she cooks like a top chef, and I eat my feelings ;)). Much like her mother, she inspires me to be better and strive for better. She is the spitting image of the woman I idolized through my prior youth and in as much as she is not present today, I know she would be just as proud of her daughter as I am.

5. I learned that I am of a destructive nature due to the fact that I can't deal with my emotions, and that realization allowed me to change the course of my own life. I have since minimized my riotous mannerisms and found a more subtle manner in which to deal with my troubles. I owe the end of my walk down a destructive path to my Journal.

6. I have succeeded to understand myself. I know who I am, I know how I look and I am perfectly comfortable with every aspect of myself. I am, however, a human being, thus I will occasionally look into the mirror and find things that could do with some nip and tuck action, but, that's natural and quite necessary in order to avoid vanity.

All in all, the year has been a success. More than anything, life is about learning and this year has been one full of lessons. Do I have resolutions for next year? Absolutely not. Resolutions are somewhat a set up of bad luck. All I hope to do is go through life and take it as it comes.

Prosperous New Year to each and every one of your haunted souls.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Merry 'More Christ' ; 'Christ Gold' and ' With Christ'

It's Christmas day. Supposedly the most beautiful time of the year. I question why it has been graced with that title. From my experience, the day blends in with the other 364 days of the year. Here in Africa that means, dry, hot and well, dreary...

Perhaps the 'beauty' described is one of a more internal and personal experience. Essentially, Christmas is a religious celebration for many societies of the world. Hence, "Christ - mass" or "more Christ" to our Spanish and Filipino mates, or "Christ Gold" to our Malay friends, and "with Christ" to the Maltese natives.

Although my lifestyle is void of any such a concept of religion, I can understand the significance of it to those who place a special belief on some sort of higher power and entity. Perhaps far from similar, but the only synonymous example in my thoughts at this very moment, it may well be the same as our belief in time. Intangible and imperceptible, yet it is something we continue to believe in because in a sense, we feel it. We feel time whooping by us, much like I've experienced this year glide by while I took my afternoon nap.

So, what is this "Christmas" day to me? Over the years, during my more religious youth and upbringing, it was indefinitely the birth day of Christ. A day in which I was appreciative of his birth as it essentially led to my 'original sin' being absolved. It was a day of prayer and giving thanks with my family, and as a reward, I received presents and ate a warm meal. A meal that was more unique than any other meal I may have eaten throughout the year.

However, as I grew up and started to explore the religion I was initiated into (somewhat like a cult), I came to realize that more than any religious occurrence, this day was merely a day used by society to exploit human naivety. In as much as I'd like to blame society for commercializing the occasion, I must put some of the blame on us, as individuals. We should have been able to take a step back and recognize that we are being exploited, because, essentially, if we are celebrating the birth of 'Christ' on this day, why is it more important to some of us to receive gifts than say prayers? Or why do we believe in a Santa Claus? A big, old, white pedophile man, who much like Micheal Jackson (may his blessed soul rest in peace) have children sit on his lap and demand things.

I am certain many will read this post and be utterly disgusted at what I have to say, how I perceive this occasion and how I (obviously) misunderstand the symbolism of everything. However, I believe in simplicity and any possible reasons as to why 'Christ's birth' has become so commercial and complicated eludes me.

So, for the Christians of you who are about to eat pork belly with your pierced ears, surrounded by sodomites and homosexuals, I wish you a blessed Merry Christmas, because obviously, you are some legit Christians. Christ, on his birthday, is extremely pleased with you.. So, enjoy that pork belly.

Those of you who are simply keen to indulge in the feast ahead of you and appreciate the presents you receive on this one 'special' day, enjoy it. It's somewhat like a second birthday. :)

...Cheerie Christmas and a Ho Ho Ho.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

A little girl's love

I often revisit memories. I sit behind this screen and look back to messages from early 2-11. I read through our new life teenage experiences. I read how I cussed out at you when you yelled at me. Was it never evident that I didn't appreciate being yelled at on the curb? 'Niggah is ya blind. Shit abou ta geh real G up in dis...". The inside jokes that only we'll understand.

I read through our virtual celebrations of our 'anniversary'. It coincided with your birthday. "We became friends on this day. Before this, you just stalked me on Facebook like a creeper". I laugh. I cry. The memories so crisp. They feel so distant. Associated with songs. Your songs. "Make sure when you listen to these, they remind you of me." Hard headed as I was, I said they never would. But guess what? They do now. Now that I miss you.

You looked out for me. Looking back, I see why it fell apart. I was cold, scared and reserved. They say you never know what you have till you lose it, and the rebuttal to that is 'you know what you have, you just don't appreciate it'. I guess it's a bit of both. Or not? I didn't know what I had. It's a little to late to come to this realization. I'm sorry I never showed you your worth. I'm hoping now you know, you were my world.

The jokes we shared that still have me laughing, make me want to pick up my phone and share it with you again, but I hesitate. Perhaps it's my pride. Could it be? No. It's the memory of you hurting me. I can't forget you hurt me. I'm not sure you know it but I'm fearful of you, as a result. Not fearful per say, but scared to approach. It's like standing at the edge of a cliff, anticipating the fall. Why does it feel so distant when it used to be a warm embrace?

I guess I'll just laugh and cry at the memories. Laugh and cry at the memories. Thinking of the change churns my insides, and stirs me in a manner that is incomprehensible, even to my own psyche. I don't know how to respond to it. What do I say to you? Could you tell me what you want to hear? 'Despite my empty mouth, the words are in my mind' - Adele could not have said it any better. I'm lost for words with you. I'd love to tell you how I feel, whisper it into your ears, but you're so far away. I'm waving goodbye with tears in my eyes.

...But it's a part of growing up. We're not the same children we were a year ago. You've morphed into a man, your jaw tells me so. I've transformed into a woman, my hips show me this. Yet, the innocence of a pure love stirs the little girl in me. A first love experience indeed. A first love I can't forget. Perhaps, I need to get away, to feel again.

Although it might hurt, these memories I forget. So although I'd like to excuse you and tell you, "First love, we're through" our youth will forever hold onto each other. But you're bribing me to doubt myself. 'Forgive me first love'.