Thursday, 6 December 2012

A little girl's love

I often revisit memories. I sit behind this screen and look back to messages from early 2-11. I read through our new life teenage experiences. I read how I cussed out at you when you yelled at me. Was it never evident that I didn't appreciate being yelled at on the curb? 'Niggah is ya blind. Shit abou ta geh real G up in dis...". The inside jokes that only we'll understand.

I read through our virtual celebrations of our 'anniversary'. It coincided with your birthday. "We became friends on this day. Before this, you just stalked me on Facebook like a creeper". I laugh. I cry. The memories so crisp. They feel so distant. Associated with songs. Your songs. "Make sure when you listen to these, they remind you of me." Hard headed as I was, I said they never would. But guess what? They do now. Now that I miss you.

You looked out for me. Looking back, I see why it fell apart. I was cold, scared and reserved. They say you never know what you have till you lose it, and the rebuttal to that is 'you know what you have, you just don't appreciate it'. I guess it's a bit of both. Or not? I didn't know what I had. It's a little to late to come to this realization. I'm sorry I never showed you your worth. I'm hoping now you know, you were my world.

The jokes we shared that still have me laughing, make me want to pick up my phone and share it with you again, but I hesitate. Perhaps it's my pride. Could it be? No. It's the memory of you hurting me. I can't forget you hurt me. I'm not sure you know it but I'm fearful of you, as a result. Not fearful per say, but scared to approach. It's like standing at the edge of a cliff, anticipating the fall. Why does it feel so distant when it used to be a warm embrace?

I guess I'll just laugh and cry at the memories. Laugh and cry at the memories. Thinking of the change churns my insides, and stirs me in a manner that is incomprehensible, even to my own psyche. I don't know how to respond to it. What do I say to you? Could you tell me what you want to hear? 'Despite my empty mouth, the words are in my mind' - Adele could not have said it any better. I'm lost for words with you. I'd love to tell you how I feel, whisper it into your ears, but you're so far away. I'm waving goodbye with tears in my eyes.

...But it's a part of growing up. We're not the same children we were a year ago. You've morphed into a man, your jaw tells me so. I've transformed into a woman, my hips show me this. Yet, the innocence of a pure love stirs the little girl in me. A first love experience indeed. A first love I can't forget. Perhaps, I need to get away, to feel again.

Although it might hurt, these memories I forget. So although I'd like to excuse you and tell you, "First love, we're through" our youth will forever hold onto each other. But you're bribing me to doubt myself. 'Forgive me first love'.

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