Monday, 27 May 2013

Always; Arlana PS

Jumping through the hoops of time, day after day, we let minutes pass us by. Minutes during which we are morphing, cell by cell, into someone we weren't, a mere split second ago. Then one day, you sit down and look at it in the broader sense, 6 months later or 5 years later, and lament over the changes.

Two years ago, I would never have imagined myself to be the girl, or rather woman, I am today. Two years ago I was a frail, insecure 16 year old who was so afraid to be anything either than the sullen bitch who put up a strong front to ward off all traces of negativity. Although insecure and scared, I would never allow myself to show weakness and my tears were reserved for the privacy of my bedroom and my feather-filled pillow. Two years ago, I would never have imagined that I would have lost one of the greatest friendships of my life or gained a handful of inspiring friends and sisters and brothers.

Over the past two years, many nights had been spent crying. The amount of sleeping pills that needed to be consumed in order to put me out of my misery if only for awhile is shockingly uncountable and thinking about it now, at the end of it all, completely not worth it. Yes, emotions often run wild during these hormone filled teenage years of lives, and each and every one of us does something stupid to get rid of the pain, but sitting in this position, luckily still alive, I realise how much could potentially have been thrown away, and all for what? A little heart ache, a little insecurity and alot of self loathing.

In retrospect, each second I spent crying was perhaps necessary to get me here. Get me to this place where I can sit in the silence of my thoughts and tell myself, "It's alright." It's alright that you allowed yourself to love in vain and it's alright that you hated yourself because you didn't feel good enough. It's alright that merely seeing a face could break you down to a pulp and it's alright that every single minute of your day was spent contemplating why that moment was the right one for giving up. It's alright that you didn't fight for yourself and it's alright that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable. It's all alright because every one of those incidences brought you here and made you this. Yes, in the words of FUN, "I've got nothing left inside of my chest, but it's alright".

Some nights are likely to be spent crying and lamenting over the mistakes that I've made, the loves that I've lost and the minutes that I have wasted; but I am hopeful that as of this moment, the girl that was me two years ago has morphed into the butterfly of who I am now.. Young, courageous, beautiful and eccentric in all it's brilliance and now that this first chapter of metamorphosis has played out, I am ready to pursue the life that I am destined for. As of now I allow myself to move forward with no regrets, no take backs and no self loathing. All I can give myself is a clean slate and the world. My happiness and self worth is dependent on me, and only me and I am happy with myself and every decision I have made that has led me to this place.

Believe. Breath. Be.
Arlana PS

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