Tuesday, 14 May 2013

A want I can't attain



When I started blogging, I wanted to escape the world. It was a means by which I could set free every ounce of emotion that I kept caged up inside of myself. Writing on this blog was like entering an alternate universe, where many different versions of me could take a peep into my being and understand who exactly it is that we were; who exactly I was. It was a way for me to detach myself from the weight of everything that I had to keep on my shoulders. It was a way of setting myself free.
However, as I grow, it is less my emotions that I want to escape from. Escaping my emotions just hasn’t been enough, because my emotions are me. The person I need to get away from, is myself. I don’t know if any of you reading this have ever felt like you wanted to breath the essence of yourself out of your body, into a glass jar and exist solely of your energy. Exist solely of your soul.
It is difficult living in a body that you want to rid. Not because you’re not happy with it, or because you don’t feel adequate in it, but because this physical existence brings you more ache than you ought to suffering. It is disappointing that you have to live, day in and day out, in a manner that you’re not happy with. Seeing and feeling what you don’t want to feel, when instead you’d like to drift through the universe, wondering and exploring, interacting with other forces of energy and truly being alive.
I no longer want to feel, yet I know that it is not something I can just stop. No, feeling is something that very largely defines me, and although I would prefer to be emotionless, or better yet, a simple, drifting energy, it is not something I can attain.
I really just want to rid myself of this state of being. I really just want to exist freely.

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