For the first time in a really long time, I had a conversation with an individual that not only stimulated my mind, but also allowed me to be completely and utterly myself, no holds barred and no fear of being called strange, weird, or any of the other uncouth terms I regularly have thrown in my direction. Not only did I experience a moment of refreshment, but I also experienced enlightenment, and for the first time in what feels like centuries, everything fell into perspective.
It is not only that this person's words evoked something inexplicable inside me, but somehow they were able to lure my mind's worries out of the dark and show me that there is a globe of pure happiness surrounding me. Obviously, I cannot single-handedly credit an individual for the epiphanies of my being. Paper Town, a novel by John Green, also evoked something in me that I cannot explain. I find it questionable that this conversation and my concluding of the novel occurred on the same day. It does, however, make sense that the universe would communicate with me in such a blunt manner as I am always blind to the messages and signals it subtly attempts to send to me, but something this blatant could not be ignored.
Someone told me about how they guard their work. They keep their 'Mecca of Brilliance' to themselves and I quote, "Showing people will take away from the work being mine and only
mine.. It takes away some of the originality. It takes away the purity of the
imperfect crooked writing and cut out magazine pictures slowly but
surely footing their own path and telling their own story. Even I don't
know what it all means yet." - And, in that moment I felt as though every question I have ever asked about myself had been answered. I share so much of myself on a daily basis, giving myself away, piece by piece. Letting everyone and everything else in, when I don't even know what exactly I am yet, or where everything within me is headed. My thoughts, my feelings, my ideas. I jot them down on these public forums; be it my blog, my twitter page, I share my 'mecca' and so I give myself away.
However, maybe this has been the mistake all these years. Yes, I do enjoy sharing and I do enjoy knowing that somewhere, someone is reading what I write and can empathize, and in those moments, I am not alone. My misery is accompanied. However, perhaps sorting myself out needed to start with sorting MYSELF out instead of using my misery to help others. My misery, which had no answers, which I somehow expected to help others.
Not only that, the more I share, the more people are able to take whats mine and
make it theirs; thereafter it's never entirely mine again. I have shared a little bit of my mind
everyday, and eventually my mind will no longer be mine. It'll be
inhabited by the tenants of the world who will, sadly, not give me any
credit for my brilliance!
Thus, as of now, the only medium in which I will wholly express myself and allow my inner most thoughts to roam freely and my poetic choice of words to string together to make metaphors and analogies that may someday be analyzed in a Literature class' study of 21st Century literature, is my journal. My brown, leather skinned Journal, which is as human and alive as I am.
Do not be mistaken and assume that my journey as a blogger was not lucrative. Blogging has elevated me to a place beyond anything I could have imagined the day I set up this account. But as is with all things, one leads to another and on this journey, I am certain this blogspot was a necessary stop in bringing me here, and now that this new destination is reached, in time with all the other amazing things that are about to happen in my life, I feel I can conclude and pay homage to everything that this blog was to me and has taught, as well as all the places it has taken me.
Do not yet chuck me out as a fading ghost, because I will forever remain amongst these pages; writing and reading and laughing and stumbling over words and ideas, and pouring my heart out and crying on my keyboard, and you will still share those moments with me. This is not a goodbye to blogging; not at all. I will forever post and write and remind you that I am alive and making strides. The only difference now, is that I will not share all of me. I will not share the words of poems that pour out through my hands, and I will not share the tales of my pet peahen and peacock who are forever falling into and out of love. But these are not the only adventures in my life; and as exciting as the start of a new year, the reaching of midyear brings many more thrilling adventures and tales that can be told.
....and so, this is a final chapter. A goodbye to my poetry and a goodbye to my heart. But as one door closes, another opens. Who knows what I will venture into writing next. I don't even know. But not knowing is the exciting part of it all, isn't it!?
Well, cold feet are for the faint hearted. I am ready to jump into this vast expanse of water eyes closed, stark naked. So, let's go!
Just me, a girl,