Sunday, 22 July 2012

Contemplating love

Silently contemplating,
While my mind is meditating
About a time where I could change it,
Like a caterpillar meta-morphing,
Where the tears were merely raindrops
From clouds of mixed emotions.
And love was just a letter,
Remnants of the alphabet.
So while I'm silently contemplating,
Our minds can keep meditating.
And remember that you once told me, you loved me.
You once told me you loved me.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Because you tried to beat me down...

There are times when I sit occupied in my own thoughts that ring so loudly in my mind that it makes me want to scream. I try to block out the music, and I mask the hurt but there is so much more within that I can't disregard.

They say that happiness is a state of mind and strength is developed. However, I've been trying for the past few months and it hasn't come to me. I've chosen the smiles and roses, and the sunbeams in the sky. I let the light hit my face at an angle, and reflect happiness I can't deny. But when you're hurt is so tremendous, that you're eyes hold back salty swells of tears, and your mouth does that curve that pulls down your cheeks and spills the fills; there's not too much more you can do but cry.

So I'll cry when I need to and smile when I see you because pain isn't something I'd show you. No, you won't see it from me. You won't see me hurt when you throw your words at me. You won't see me hurt when you doubt my honestly. You won't see me hurt, and I won't let you. But I'll let you read this note and understand what you've done, and hope that your conscious is strong enough to eat you up.

Friday, 6 July 2012

October 29 2011

You know how when you find a certain thing, you feel as though it can help you move on from the pain, the drama….and just everything? Well, how distraught you’d become when you find out that this thing only ends up ruining what you had, to the point that it can’t be fixed, and it fills your life with all the shit you were running away from. This is the story of my life, and I don’t know how much more of it I can take.

It was a perfect story. I was the new girl, just trying my best to be accepted. There’s nothing worse than transferring and being rejected like a bad organ. – I dealt with it. I was myself. I said what I wanted, did what I wanted and wore what I wanted… I didn’t trail the trends. I just did my own thing. Despite all that, my self confidence was below average…but I hid it well. People thought I was vane and strong and everything I was not. I was just a tattered little girl running away from everything I didn’t want to face and everything I didn’t want to have to deal with.  
Then I met him, this boy, who I could see sprouting out into a wide chested, god of a man. Like a peacock pursuing his mate, chest stuck out, beautiful feathers spread across the blue of the horizon. Beauty in all its elements; physical, emotional, mental. A handsome man, with a pinch of sensitivity and sensuality, and the intelligence of a conqueror. Was he perfect, or was he beyond it?
To me; he was it. He was everything. I reckon this is when I started to fall,, but I wouldn’t admit it.

As stories go, this peacock was with someone else. A girl I had recently met and made friends with. I was new, and I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes, so I backed off. Moved away from it and took a different angle. You know how people say “best friends can never have something, and still try to keep the friendship”? Well, at the time I didn’t think about it, and at some point I figured it was a lie, and only now that I’m at the end of the stretch, do I realize it’s true.  When you make this mistake, you throw everything away. A year of work, a year of loyalty, a year of trust, a year of sharing, and a year of bearing it all. You throw it all away before it even begins…and the sad thing is, you don’t even realize what you’ve done till the deal is sealed.

So that’s what I did. I played the best friend angle. We started talking for days at a time; making sure to fit each other into our daily schedules, even just for half an hour of conversation. We knew what it was, and we were happy with it, happy to put a label on it. “Best friends,” we’d tell everyone. We were proud of what we had. I was happy with what we had. I mean, I couldn’t out wrestle the peahen from her peacock. I was merely an insignificant figure in the romance of two striking creatures. I was merely a middle man. I was the girl she’d have sleepovers with and tell about her romance, and the girl he’d tell everything to and talk about his romance. A middleman; but I dealt with it. I cut off my heart from the growing emotion, and I mentally convinced myself there would never be more to it, and I was convinced. I was convinced until the day our 'best friend' banter and silly 'hand' games turned into cuddlesome chatter, and lengths of sleep in each others arms.

Everything grew out, or rather, spread out in my favour. The peahen was dismissed, and I was the topic of discussion. We never spoke about us, and often we spoke about others. I reckon that was just us trying to cut off emotion for the greater good. The smarter thing to do was move past anything, and not linger; build walls that two “best friends” couldn't cross, and hope that somewhere along it all, that wall would stay standing and the friendship could remain….but how stupid were we? We chose to go with the latter. All through December we spoke while he was gone for the break, I went with the peahen to a holiday destination for New Years celebrations. We were biffles, and she was over him. She knew we were sprouting into something, and I denied it to the death of me.  January came fast, and before I knew it, he chopped down the wall. He broke down the barrier, he lingered on a moment and he recreated it, time after time. Two people: one a masculine design from the god Adonis, and the other, just a trifling excuse for a being,, binding into one another’s thoughts and emotions; joys, kisses, cuddles, “I love you’s”…murmurs of something so beautiful. It felt surreal. I was in too deep…I needed to get out, and I did. Minimal talking time I left for him, minimal time for him at all.. – I pushed him away, shoved him out and hid behind a closed door, but he hung about. Waiting for me to retreat this confined space of fear and leap into his arms where just by his touch my joy and lust would be reignited…but I hid out for awhile; a long while. By my birthday he was 11 681.34km away from me, and my heart felt the distance. I cried for him; day after day, after day. –
I’m pretty sure he didn’t cry for me, but I wasn’t too concerned about what his thoughts were and how he felt. All that mattered were the “I love you’s” regardless of the context. I loved him too…forget the context. We loved each other, but we were scared. I was scared to be hurt, to go in too deep and reach a point of no return; a point where when everything fell apart, I would fall apart too.  This was my defense mechanism. I had to protect myself somehow and I did…by shrugging him off. I loved how persistent he was. He kept waiting, kept pushing. I would yell and scream, “I hate you” and he’d be there, in his humility, waiting for me to leap into his arms crying out apologies. I loved him.

All through summer, I knew I loved him. I knew he loved me; I believed he meant it when he said, “I love you Nalene.” Foolish of me to think words of that magnitude could be true. Foolish of me to think. All through the summer, we made plans for our reunion. We were both so keen to see each other again. – I knew it was something real, a sure thing and I figured it was time to open up and get it all out there. Bare my deepest and most hidden emotions, expose my soul, and tear down all borders; I let everything out, raw and naked, all truths. Everything I felt, everything I wanted to see, and everything I wanted to do. Enter. Through time loops and cyber walls of communication, delivered neatly into the mailbox of his email account…Days on end passed, and I waited, I waited for him to jump out into the cold with me, bare; naked…but nothing. Walls put up again. I ignored it. I forgot it and I erased it. I found myself a few foreign blokes to fill my mind and build up my distraction, and how well it worked. Naturally, somewhere in my mind, or heart, these painful thoughts still lingered. Everything I didn’t want to happen, happened. Everything I thought I’d never share, were exposed, and the response to my emotional gamble, was silence; stone cold, chilly silence. Summer came to an end, and I needed to proceed back to my life..and how fearful I was to have to face the rejection. I was terrified.

 The funny thing about rejection is, it changes you. You become this whole other being, this wholee other entity. It’s as though it sucks your soul, your glow out of you, and leaves you a frozen, walking corpse with not even an ounce of feeling. It leaves you numb for the longest time, and I reckon it might kill you if you give it enough time to. I didn’t. I found another way to deal… I always find a way to deal. I built up walls and I hid behind them. I threw stones at anyone who tried to get over and comfort me, and some days I’d sit at the top with a bloke or two, fleeting my emotions for a moment, and just living in that moment…up until one day I sat on this wall with a bloke of a higher degree, a bloke with dirty blonde locks, and soft, misty green eyes; a bloke who I shared a moment with and have now grown attached to. A bloke I think I could love, and cherish and be happy with,, but he’s just a bloke. A bloke with none whatsoever interest in me. A bloke who sees my insignificance and steps aside for a more alluring lassie to come along and snatch; a bloke way out of my league and way out of my reach. It always seem that I pick them wrong, and perhaps I do, but while on this arduous search for true, everlasting love, I need to bump into all the wrong blokes to find the right one.

At the end of it all I’m stuck here. Eating out my brain on how pathetic I am, how insignificant and how unappealing to most I am. I may hide a lot of emotion under layers of cover up and a smile, a huge ego and a loud personality bursting with self confidence and all, but I am just a broken girl, sitting in a corner trying to harness as many beautiful moments, trying to shed an old skin and start a fresh..trying to find someone or something. However, in this life, we can never get what we want, so for the moment I’ll clutch my knees and drown in my own tears.