Tuesday, 26 June 2012

A Blur Fades

For the past few months I've been crying about things I've lost, and I've tried to work them out. See, people always say someone steps into your life for a reason, and when they leave, there's a reason behind it too.. Yet, as hard as I try, I don't see how some of the characters that have walked into and out of my life have taught me anything. These characters are like ghosts, and the memories you have with them haunt you. Haunt you to a breaking point. A point where you feel like everything inside of you has been drained out dry, and you kinda just fall to your knees because your legs have become so weak, and you just cry openly because hiding it stabs you right in the chest and you're forced to deal with this internal emotional bleeding.

So what if someone walks in and out, and means nothing? What if they haven't had any qualitative value in your life? What then?... Why are you still crying? Shouldn't you spare your tears to water something that still has the potential to bloom instead of wasting them on a tree flower that's already withered out and scorned? See, tears do mean you care because when you're crying, you're hurt; and if something has the power to hurt you, then you cared. So, if they're not crying, then they didn't care, right? Well, you ought to know they are not crying for you. Not a tear has been shed for you. Not an ounce of a care has been given. So, pick yourself up off your scraped knees, and wipe away the tears; because, once you wipe away the salty tears that blur your view, you'll be greeted by familiar faces. You'll have your best friend; for me, this is someone that has been in my life since pre-grade. The girl I spent 3 through 5 with, baking mud cakes in the sand. The girl that provided a shoulder for crying since the days we were in a convent and that has been there for all the drama and somehow managed to stick around. You'll see the girl that has been by your side all through grade school; who lives miles away and still manages to make sure you're alive on a daily basis. You'll see the guy that has been there for you, though sparsely, all through your life. The boy that your mom loves and has become so much like family that not even time, nor distance can force you apart. You'll see the faces of the friends you left behind when you moved on to a new school and a new life, and they'll be there to pick you up when you need it. Indefinitely, you'll meet new people on your audacious walk through life, and when you wipe away the blur, their faces will be there too. Yes, the people that really matter will be there. They'll be there even after you neglect them for months on end to deal with yourself. They'll be there after you yell at them and call them a "bitch". They'll be there even after you swear you're through with them; because those are the people that matter, and those are the ones who care. They are the people you should spend your tears on.

Life is a journey, and all journeys encounter bumps and you can count on there being bumps on the road. The occasional character that walks in, turns your life upside down, then walks out the second work needs to be done. These character choose the easy way out, and if you're like me, a difficult person to have to deal with, you need to get used to these walk-through's, and teach yourself not to be bother once they leave. Yes, once someone walks in then out, it hurts. It breaks you down in ways that are unimaginable if you don't mentally prepare yourself; but I'm here, hoping that I can use my experiences to teach someone else, and hopefully, the pain won't be as bad.

It's not the easiest thing to do, but sometimes, easy isn't the right way out. So, here's to letting the blur fade, and seeing all that's around you for what it is. Emancipate yourself from the sadness, and do what makes you happy. Find a focus, and live for it. Surround yourself with people that matter, and those that make you happy. See, I believe happiness is a state of mind, and if you chose to be happy, you will make decisions that will lead you on a path of just being happy. So choose this path and go for it. You can have your happiness today if you chose to let the blur fade.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Because tears burn my eyes

It's 5 o'clock in the morning... literally...and I can't sleep.
This state of insomnia has given me the chance to think and put a lot into perspective.

This has been the worst school year of my life. Both literally, and emotionally. My head has been somewhere else and hasn't been the least bit focused, and I failed to achieve my best. I failed at life...and all for what?
I failed at life because I chose nights out partying over days spent home, cramming. However, I don't think it was completely my fault. No, there's no one else to blame but myself because I made the decision; but there are so many other factors that contributed. I'd prefer not to be at home, not that there's anything wrong with home, just that I'd prefer not to be there. Being around my family, in this house, carries a vibe that I don't appreciate nor enjoy. For some reason, this house depresses me. It's like moving in a slow river of blackness, just drifting in its darkness and cold, somehow seeking for comfort and warmth. Unfortunately, it is in my tears that I usually find this comfort and warmth, and the drown myself into long hours of sleep.

I believe I am unhappy. Simply, unhappy. I've had many 'conditions' diagnosed. I've been told I'm "depressed", or "bipolar". Some say I just have a ton of mood swings and when no one knows what to say, they tell me I have issues. Maybe I do, I wouldn't really know, but just having these things said makes everything worse. I definitely don't know what wrong with me, or what could be the cause of it. All I know is there it's hard to deal with life. This thought in itself is frustrating, because honestly, I've got everything I could ask for. My life isn't perfect, but there are a ton of things I should be grateful for that I have which many people don't. Yet, despite all this, I still happen to wallow in my own sadness, and this is pushing so close to a sharp edge, and I'm scared of the pain that I'll feel when I fall.

I remember having my life all planned out. I know exactly what I wanted, where I wanted to be and how I was going to get there. I was so sure of what I was going to become, and now, I'm just lost and confused. Everyday I hear about everyone else's plans and I need to sit back for a moment to evaluate what I want. It saddens me so much, that my life has gone off the path it was meant to follow, and now I'm walking through the dark, hoping to eventually see a light that might carry me forward to brighter things. But, if this light is only at the end of the tunnel, how am I meant to not stumble every 3 meters? Do I really deserve to stub my toe every step I take? Is it necessary for me to feel the cold gnawing at my skin? Or, does the dark really have to creep within in me, making me dark and soulless in places that once carried the golden rays of a warm summer's day?

I've tried talking to someone, but talking to people about myself is not something I can do easily. However, writing about it all is something I can do with ease. So, I continue to write, and even in my insomniac state of realization, I can say I somehow find joy. I find joy in writing, and being able to let the tears transform to words. Even when everything is stripped away from me, I can find comfort in writing, and knowing that somewhere, someone can understand my feelings once I put them into words. I'm constantly hoping that the words thrown at me will be erased once people understand, but my hopes are never met.

At the end of the day, I just really want to know what's in all this for me. Is there a life lesson I'm meant to learn? Will this somehow benefit me in years to come? I'm not sure... but for not, I know what I need to do and what I need to eradicate from my life and hopefully this senior year can be as exciting as it's meant to be. I'm not too sure about my future, but I'm hoping that once I get my 38 IB points (I'm being ambitious); my life will sort itself out. I'm hoping that once I start focusing more on me, and less on what everyone else around me is doing, or where they're going, my life will work out just fine. I say to myself everyday, that "If I'm still here, I'm still meant to do something". - and I'm hoping this is true.

I think that all I needed was the time away from the books, and the people to just sit down and think about it. Someone once told me, "It means nothing to talk about it, if you're not going to do anything to fix it," and now that I've got the time, I can fix 'it' and I can fix me.

I will fix me.