There are nights when you come to certain realizations... Certain thoughts you've had come back to mind, and are confirmed. These realizations make sense, and provide you with a feeling of "...and I'm okay with that"; These life changing moments that switch up your entire world. This moment was last night.
When living in a little city, tucked in the dim lights of a little African country, the entertainment can become, well, mundane. Yes, we've got a handful of good clubs and bars to go to, dance the night away till 4am or last call; indulge in the thrill of narcotics and meet types of guys that tickle your interest. But being young and alive means wanting a change. A change in scene, a change in entertainment, a change in appearance and a change in face. So when someone decides to switch it up and do something more cozy, surrounded with more familiar faces you take the chance and go for it. But what do you do when even this becomes the ordinary? When even this becomes the same routine, with the same people, same scene, same behaviour, same substance abuse and same physical abuse? What do you do when what is meant to be fun and exciting becomes tedious and unchanged?
The question has hindered me for a long time. Being a girl who enjoys going at and dancing as much as she enjoys writing poetry and blogging, who enjoys meeting new people and being chatted up by the stud from across the room as much as she enjoys taking pictures of lemons glistening in the sun or catching the tinkling sound of water running down a stream in a picture; having a social life is equally as important as getting into Yale or Harvard. However, when the thrill and excitement of the excursion is lost, is there really any point anymore? Is it worth it to leave the warm comfort of your bed and bedroom to be a in a place that reeks of burnt Rizzla and fresh "dank", and the smell of mixed alcohols spilled on the floor with people who wouldn't even care less to pick up the phone and send you a simple "hi"? Is it really worth it? Last night was the answer to all my doubt.... Last night said no. No, it's no longer worth it.
The point of getting dressed up was to have a good time, enjoy oneself, come home with a stack of memories in hand, whether on camera or locked away in your internal memory. Yet, for the past 2 months the point has simply been to be seen out, sit on a white couch and sulk by yourself at how pathetic the night is. The point has been to try to relive the excitement and thrill once felt from the bass pumping through your feet, finally reaching your arms, throwing them up in surges of energy while your waist turns in circular motions to the beat and rhythm of the music. The point was to be a part of the scene, to feel like a part of a community, and to feel like you are somewhere. But these reasons no longer seem appropriate. There's no point in being out and not enjoying oneself when there's a stack of homework, assignments and deadlines heaped up on your study table that will eventually carry you to the thing that gives you bliss. Though tedious, and uninspiring, this work will one day be the reason you're sitting on a private jet flying off to the Arab lands of oil, where you'll vacation on beaches of white sands sipping only the finest of wines from golden goblets. At the end of the day, that will be worth it. That will be worth more than the boring nights, temporary friendships and unnecessary scandal.
I'm not one to preach, because I haven't been the most laid back and motivational character, but I've reached a point at which I can say, "Yes, I only live once.... I'm only young once. But that doesn't mean I need to waste my nights on useless, unsatisfying nights out, with people who couldn't give less of a damn, girls who lend out their bodies to boys who pork them out cos their too lazy to find themselves real, wholly satisfying relationships, and boys who smell like alcohol and piss that tug at your arm and short skirt in a manner that would make any female specimen feel less secure and powerful". I've reached a point at which I've realized that in my last year home, I'd like to spend my Friday nights with people that make me laugh, take an interest in my well-being and care about me past 2am when they're in search of a hook up. With senior year fast approaching, real friendships and relationships are what I am in search for; and being who I am, I will pursue this. This is what I am in search for, and this is what will satisfy me.